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Monday, June 8, 2009

Getting past a grudge?

Several years ago, I took a full time position at the store I was working at. I took it with a goal in mind (a certain job that I wanted to work towards) the only way to get there was to work full time night crew, stocking shelves.

My background was a part time cashier for ten years and then one year of bulk food. Nothing prepared me for night crew. First I could not stand the night shift, second I didn't know how to move skids around, I didn't know how to case cut, I didn't know the lay-out of the store that well. Everything was a challenge and it was all uphill.

That first night I was shown the frozen food overstock freezer, and given a case cutter. The night crew chief (manager) walked away from me. I was so lost and alone. I did not know any of the boys working the shift (I was the only female), and I did not have a clue where to begin. Since, I didn't know how to move the skids, I was bringing boxes of product out to the sales floor with a work truck (complete waste of time) and tried filling the shelves with what I had brought.

Half way through the night my order came. I had skids and skids brought out to the floor and dropped by the night receiver. OMG! Overwhelmed was the understatement! So I started taking cases and trying to find where they belonged on the shelf. Soon the guy doing the aisle next to me told me to get the skids off the floor and into the backroom freezer, and to face up my aisles.

Thankfully, one of the guys now took pity on me and helped me get the skids away. I tried to straighten the shelves. But when the store manager came in the morning things were a mess!

The store manager yelled at me in front the the rest of the night crew, and now the day staff as well. He went on and on and I felt like garbage. I went home crying and cried all day. I called the day person who did the frozen food asking him for some guidance. He left notes for me! Thank you, Dan.

I returned that next night, with tears in my eyes and went to the night crew chief and told him what happened, he too felt bad. He promised to help me learn what to do.

This went on for weeks, the store manager would come directly to yell at me each morning for any little thing he could find. And then finally it stopped. He could yell no more, because I worked my butt off every night to get that frozen food section beautiful, the overstock was under control. I worked one or two hours extra every shift (without pay) in order to keep him at bay.

As time passed, and they crew got to know me, some became friendly. The night crew chief told me he was told by the store manager to leave me that first night, not to give any direction and not to help or speak to me. He was banking on me not going back that second night, and he would get his first choice in the position. (a male) And when I did go back, he then made it his goal to make my life a living hell. (which he succeeded in doing)

But I could do the job, and I did it well!

Friday afternoon that store manager suffered a massive heart attack and is in a coma, he is not expected to live.

I feel bad for him and his family. I will be praying for them. But, when asked by a friend and co-worker if I would be going to his funeral (if he passed away) I said no.

I feel so badly for still having such a grudge against him, and my heart is hardened to him. I feel so petty and like a bad person. He was the store manager for 10 years prior to this and I never had a problem with him.

How do I get past this?

Thank you for sticking it out, and reading this far. Your advice is needed!


Yaya said...

I know it's hard to let go of a grudge, but honestly I would go to the funeral. It's one of those scenarios in life you can't have a "redo" on. So he was a pompous jerk, yes, but he was also someone that was a part of your life for a long time. And you know what? I bet you could chalk it up to him for making you such a hard worker and having a powerful sense of perseverance. Characteristics that have most likely followed you into other aspects of life.

mommytoalot said...

It's a tough situation. Although I dont' feel you need to attend the funeral..you can send a card..
I am not great for getting over grudges so i've got no advice there

Janet said...

I think praying for him and his family is good enough! I don't think its necessary to show your face at all. You have made your peace in your own way and as long as you don't bare him any grudges, I would just leave it at that! Have a good week!

DangAndBlast! said...

Tough story. I've never held grudges against people (companies are a different story), as I could never see the point, but when it's started, I've fended it off either by making the situation laughable or by pity -- bitter angry woman at work who always bites your head off or contradicts anything you say, I just feel sorry for her that she has no friends, no family, just a dog or two, and that she's caused her own problems; repeat stupid-person at work, re-work my head to laughing at them "how can people be so stupid? They'd look funny on a reality show!" ... in this case, I'd feel sorry for the person, regret that he spent his life twisted, without getting to know the joy of it... and go to the funeral to mourn the man he might have been.

Mighty M said...

I think you should go to the funeral and try to just forgive him so you can let it go in your heart and move on..... Keep us posted!


1. i only go to funerals of family and close friends.
2. i think it is retarded to go to a funeral just to be seen.
3. you don't have to go to a funeral just to show you have let go of a grudge.
4. a grudge? what is that? anger? are you still feeling angry about what he did and why he did it? do you think he has had any misgivings about what he did? did he ever apologize? if you died, do you think he would come to your funeral?

if you still feel anger, it is time to let it go...in fact it was time to let it go a long time ago. your feelings are yours and you have every right to feel them. but at some time you have to let them go if they are negative. not because of the other person, but for YOU. the other person could probably care less. but negative feelings you have will eat you up. i have found out that once i understand that it was not personal and/or why someone did a thing, i can let it go. you did nothing wrong. he would have done that to anyone who got the job over his friend.

if other people are trying to make you feel guilty, that my friend is their problem.

Laurie in Ca. said...


I think a card in this situation is more than enough. I would definitely be praying for him that his life is right with the Lord. And for the ones left behind who will be hurting after he is gone. In your own heart ask the Lords help to turn the grudge over to Him. It does not erase the hurt, but it frees your heart up to move forward. I have heard that carrying grudges against others is like drinking poison, hoping the person will die. It only hurts yourself. I am praying for you my sweet friend. Forgiving this man frees you. I don't think going to the funeral is something you need to think about. You can show your respect by forgiving him in your heart. I believe in letting the grieving grieve together. Not a popular opinion, but less hypocritical. The way to get past this? Go through it in your heart with the Lord's help. I am praying for you Pam.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Randi Troxell said...

i COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from... i actually got a bit pissed for your sake... but im with some of the others... i think maybe a card, some flowers and prayers is plenty enough.

♥georgie♥ said...

One word...PRAYER!
Grudges no matter how validated they make us feel are a waste of time...even if you dont go to the funeral pray to let the grudge go...life is too short

sending you hugs n luvs ♥

Kristina P. said...

Grudges are hard. There are a couple of people in my life that I wish no ill will on, but truthfully, I don't think I've completely and fully forgiven them.

Ter said...

Well, personally, if it were me, I wouldn't go to that person's funeral, unless you're close to his family and wish to support them, otherwise, there's no point. That's not to say you won't forgive him or anything, it just means you aren't going to waste your time.

Does that sound a bit cruel? Perhaps. But he alienated you by treating you miserably.

GRAMEE said...

lots of advice..
your not alone in this sounds like a lot of us have the same problem with grudges..
i know i do.

i agree with everyone who said send a card.
i don't think anything more is necessary.

Nancy said...

The funeral is not so much about paying respects as it is about comforting the family. I dont think its bad for you not to go to the funeral unless you are close to his wife or something like that. I dont think your absence will be noticed if you are not close to the family.
Its not really about holding a grudge. I dont even think you are holding a grudge, I think you hold a painful memory, thats not the same thing as a grudge. A grudge is when a person recieves an honest apology from someone who hurt them, but they can't accept the apology. THATS a grudge.

Jillene said...

I think that sending a card would be appropriate. I don't think that you need to go to the funeral because you weren't close friends.

Funny in my mind said...

I don't think of that as a grudge. If he had yelled at you once and then was nice, and you were still angry, THAT is a grudge.
He humiliated you and in front of your peers. Over and over. Say a prayer for his mean soul and move on.

Becca said...

While I don't think you should continue to hold a grudge (that only hurts you), I don't see why you should go to the funeral. But in the end, you need to do what feels right for you :)

The Blonde Duck said...

You're mucher nicer than I am. I wouldn't even consider going. I'd say a little prayer and be done. I went to a funeral for a biology teacher who was terrible to me, and it was dreadful. While everyone else was saying wonderful things about him, all I could think about was what a jerk he'd been.

Kate said...

It is so hard to look past someone that is really mean to you. I had some of my friends actually do something similar and it took a long time to forgive them but I couldn't do it alone that is for sure. Good luck.


I am a scorpio, I know all about grudges. Haha Stopping by from SITS!

jenjen said...

Oh, so sorry that you had such a tough time. That man was horrible to you. Anyone in your situation would have hurt feelings and have a hard time feeling forgiveness. Good for you for overcoming all of those obstacles.


Two Pretty Little Skirts said...

I am a grudge holder something horrible. I'm sorry I dont have any words of wisdom but I wish you the best in getting thru the turmoil!
oh and p.s.
Your lovely blog has received a beautiful friend award...go pick it up at my place ;)



Me said...

I wish I had some good sound advice. But alas, I don't. I would recommend going to the funeral. I think it could be that last event to really help you get over the grudge. Easier said than done..I know! I think admitting to yourself and others that your heart is hardened is the first step in making change.

Debbie said...

Grudges are so difficult to let go of. I feel for you.
Someone once told me that they try to realize that the person is a child of God no matter what and they try to look for the good in them - that it was in there somewhere. That has helped me.
Good luck. And remember, you didn't cause him to be cruel or to have this medical problem.

Mom's Fortress of Solitude said...

I love your positive outlook on life! It's not the life you've been given, but rather what you do with your life that matters.

Thank you for dedicating your life to making this world a better place. :o)


Mom's Fortress of Solitude said...

Forgot to tell you that I'm grabbing your button to place on my blog.